SEX, RELATIONSHIPS, CONTRACEPTIVES AND MORE WITH MY CHICKEN AND CHIPS.

Last week, I was lucky and honoured to join the conversation with NTV’s ‘Chicken and Chips’ crew, hosted by Kinky Love. ‘Chicken and Chips’ is a platform for the youth which affords a revolution against deeply rooted norms, taboos and narratives regarding sex, relationships and many more issues. These issues are openly discussed on the show by the members among themselves and among the numerous loyal and overwhelming viewers on the internet through the various platforms like Facebook where it is live, and YouTube. The conversation is also aired on NTV, one of Uganda’s leading Television stations, and even continues after the show on these platforms including Twitter.

When I was live on the show, these were some of the narratives, taboos, and perceptions tabled for discussion, partly explaining the variance in relationships in Uganda today, as well as sex. First, that sex education is all about having sex. Many parents in Uganda today start to worry whenever they hear their children talk about sex education, it is about having sex. Yet, it isn’t the reality. Sex education goes beyond this norm and aims at addressing other critical issues, relating to human sexuality, knowing your body and cleaning it, sexual anatomy, having good and responsible sex and reproduction, together with age of consent among others.

Secondly, that a man who beats you is a man who loves you. This is a deeply rooted narrative in many African societies including ours, regarding how women perceive domestic violence. It is quite saddening, that one has to establish a yardstick that engages violence for them to determine whether their significant other actually loves them. This thinking has been one of the great factors that has afforded continuous entertainment of domestic violence in many of our societies today.

Following that, that men cannot get beaten. “… how do they hear that me, a full man, I’ve been beaten?” This is thinking of a good number of many male and silent victims of domestic violence who never speak out on their experiences. On the show, we all thought there should be sensitization, for the general public to understand that men can also be victims of domestic violence and that men should come forward and talk about domestic violence done against them.

Finally, on the reasons why people decide to stay in adulterous relationships.

1. “Why did you leave?”
2. “He was cheating on me.”
3. “You stay there. I was also cheated on but I remained in the relationship. That’s just how men are built. As long as he does not bring you HIV and as long as he comes back to your home at the end of the day.”

This is the thinking, and “advice” that is given to some victims who finally decide to stand up and walk out of adulterous relationships. There is also a common thinking that goes; “… My man and I have been together for many years. I cannot leave my relationship simply because he cheats on me.” They fear to end the relationships that they always highly speak of to be a bed of roses and so they continue to withstand the infidelity, taking it to be a thing that men were born to do.

Chicken and chips is not holding back to make anyone comfortable or to honour taboos, but rather, it is disrupting narratives by asking all the questions we all want to ask but won’t. If you are interested, follow Chicken and Chips on Facebook, by searching Chicken and Chips Uganda and on Twitter through the handle; @ChickenChipsUg. You can also watch the episodes on NTV Uganda every Sunday at 1:30pm with a repeat on Fridays at 4pm. Episodes are also uploaded on the Chicken and Chips YouTube channel. Be part of the conversation.

The Forgotten Victims.

Alright so more than 25 people thought I should say something about this, and I really respect that so here we go.

You have probably got word about how Edwin Katamba aka MC Kats was allegedly beaten up and run over by his fiancée. You have also probably seen the pictures after the altercation and he has also admitted on social media that that was not his first time to be beaten up by Fille. More to that, you have seen, heard or read all sorts of jokes about how the man was beaten up by a woman plus other people say that he rightfully deserved it because he must have done something to deserve it, something which annoyed the fiancée so much, like the men who have violently abused their women have done so at their leisure time and in the best of their moods, which I’m sure would be the same case had it been a woman that was beaten up. Right? If you haven’t, here are a few.

Well what does all this tell us about the attitudes towards domestic violence with the victims being male? It certainly tells us so much.

Yeah. Sure, let’s laugh about it like domestic violence against men isn’t real. Let us go on and on about how a man was beaten to pulp and run over by his fiancée. Let us through our actions continue to imply that domestic violence is only a thing for the women, that they are the sole victims and when a man gets beaten up, it is something else but domestic violence. Let it be something to laugh about after a long day over drinks. Let us disregard the concerning statistics on violence against men despite numerous cases going unreported due to a wealth of reasons. Also, let us continue to imply through our actions that the men who have lost their lives as a result of domestic violence the perpetrators being women rightfully deserved to die because well, violence against a man is such a big joke.

Had it been the reverse, had it been Fille that was beaten up, social media would be in flames, with everyone expressing such deep concern about the issue and how men are animals. Feminists would have taken this to be concrete evidence of consistent patriarchy and overall female disadvantage. But well, since it’s a man that we are talking about, it is only because she must have been so annoyed, it is nothing but laughable that a man ended up with a swollen face and to others, it was “rightfully deserved”. This is where the “show up it whenever it matters” phrase should sink in folks, let it sink in.

Domestic violence is a tragedy that also happens to men today but I do not seem to understand why it has been systematically spurned and regarded in the eyes of society as something simply laughable as some men have gone through probably their most in facing brutality by women while others have even lost their lives. Contrary to the common perception that women and girls are the sole victims, domestic violence against men and boys can also happen more often than you would probably expect. Men from all cultures and walks of life are and have been victims of domestic violence but state institutions and society in general take such violence less seriously because of the prevailing attitudes towards men, such as the belief that they are fearless, sustain greater pain and are more capable of self-defence.

And speaking of self-defence, I don’t think I need to explain the aftermaths regarding whose story society or the police would believe as being the real victim or who they would side with when in fact it was simply self-defence on the part of the man. It is very obvious. An abused man stands great chances of major scepticism and even greater chances of his abuse being minimised, blamed on him or even excused. I also cannot quantify the times the stereotypical slap has been entertained both in the media and in real life simply because the woman was upset by the man. I just don’t think its also entertained if its the man doing the slapping. He automatically becomes a woman beater.

They always ask the question “Who gives a man the right to violently abuse the body of a woman?” Yeah well, who also gives a woman the right to violently abuse the body of man?

Every 14.6 seconds, somewhere in the world a man is severely assaulted by his wife or girlfriend. Even with majority of male victim cases going unreported for a multitude of reasons, in Uganda according to a 2013 crime report, more men were killed by their spouses in domestic violence than women. It showed that of the 360 people killed in domestic violence that year, 183 were men compared to 177 who were women. Research also carried out in 2013 in Rwanda found out that 10% -15% of men were victims of domestic violence. U.K Government statistics indicate that one in every six men will be victims of domestic violence at some stage in their life. Australia; one in every three victims of domestic violence is male, every 10 days a male will be lost to domestic homicide and one in every four young people are aware of their mum or step-mum hitting their dad or step-dad. Canada; 6% of the men have been abused by their former partners, just 1% behind the figure for women. But yes, let the jokes keep coming in.

Getting exact numbers on domestic violence against men is difficult since so many cases go unreported, but it’s even tougher to figure out just how many men suffer abuse. Some of the reasons, well apart from being laughed at, excusing the abuse or even facing great scepticism are the traditional gender roles in society and the stigma of the perceived weakness of any man who admits to falling victim to a woman. And as long as such attitudes persist, it is unlikely that male victims will feel comfortable reporting or talking about their abuse.

Say NO! to domestic violence against men in all its forms, a victim of domestic violence is still a victim no matter the sex of the attacker, do not let your common perceptions of who the sole victims of the tragedy are and should be, do not let your perceptions suggest that the violence against men is rightfully deserved and most importantly, do not make the violence against a woman more of an issue of national concern while that against a man a mere statistic.

The woman and her sexuality.

I was talking to a close friend of mine recently about societal perceptions as regards to women’s sexuality and they mentioned that since I had written a fine piece on the position of the sexual harassment law, why not also voice these perceptions in a bid for women to express or be open about their sexuality. I said sure, why not? This was another instance where the loudness of the silence got to me and here we are.

Societal perceptions and constructs when it comes to women and their sexuality suggest that a woman should not want sex, for concealment of this desire is implied worthiness and being an upright member of society yet a man can be active as much as he wants and still be worthy; that a woman should not express her desire for sex as that will call for the whole world going insane and calling her names and what not yet a man can be open about the same whenever he feels like and still maintain his respect, if that does not even boost it; that a woman should not express her desire for a guy so fast or she might be regarded as loose; that a woman’s body count should determine her credibility for being someone that a man can be and start a life with while a man with a high body count is regarded as a conqueror of some sort. I can go on and on but how do all these suggestions make sense?

We live in a world where there is equal opportunity and choice as regards to gender, that’s if we are not about to get there. However, we again still find ourselves living in a world where society and cultures continue to withhold certain aspects of the woman. Women have been led to believe that non-expression of desires for fear of being called names or lowered in the eyes of society is the yardstick for determining their purity because it makes them unworthy, that they are pure when they ignore the fact that they want sex, that they are pure when they do not get to think about all the fantasies, that they are pure when they do not talk about it. When that happens, the belief is that they are upstanding members of society. This kind of purity is an implied requirement for the girl child but not for boy.

Despite social advances, our cultures within their respective variations still make women to be caught in between. Social advances on one hand may sometimes seem to make a woman’s expression okay but on the other, the projections of cultures tend to deny her this essential aspect; one of which she really is. In other circumstances, society asks or seems to make it okay for women to embrace their sexuality but then gets to play the “you’re the mothers of tomorrow’s nation, fit the part” card when they go ahead to express. In other words, they altogether tell us that men are designed to want sex while women are designed to withhold it. Women who have taken the same pattern just like the men in exploring their sexual nature have always been accused and regarded as being “loose”. These two conflicting commitments continue to steer us away from the reality that just like men, women have a natural and healthy desire to be equally sexual and have an environment where expression is equally welcome.

One of the most shameful insults to a man’s is the accusation that he is not masculine. For a woman, it’s that she is sexually loose or a slut. And you know how it comes down to that for the woman? One of the potential reasons is that she tried to embrace her sexuality and society lashed out at her, the same society that at one point called on her to acknowledge and embrace it. These contradictions and double standards pose good questions on why it’s considered shameful for a woman to be non-privately sexual.

However, when we strip persons of their sexual nature, the hurtful, mortifying cultural and psychological influences, a man and woman’s desire for sex is basically the same. The implication of expression is what makes a difference. Such perceptions have planted a mind-set among many people today; a mind-set being illogical. Because leaving all the perception aside, what is wrong with a girl expressing herself just like a man or boy does? Why does it have to be accompanied by so much?

When a woman gives up her sexuality because the constructs of society or be it the various cultures, she sacrifices an essential part of who she is. It’s not just about preservation of cultures or maintaining a name before society but having a woman acknowledge and express her full self, her physicality and her wants without the whole world going nuts.

I am of the belief therefore, that every person must feel that they can accept themselves and their whole identity. When one is cut off from such essential feelings, they become less of themselves. It is important therefore to debunk the myths about a woman’s sexuality, the implications of her expression and allow every individual to live freely to their fullest selves.

Mental Duet: Glee but for blogging

Jason and I have flirted with the idea of writing a joint blog for a while now. The way life is though, we have not yet gotten round to it. The first idea we had when we discussed the joint blog was on loving something so much it destroys you. That the thing you love would be the first to destroy you, the same thing you should fear. Think of loving somebody. I like thinking there is destruction because I’m a pessimist but Jason is sunshine and rainbows so he thinks what you love cannot destroy you. I kindly beg his pardon. It does. Devastatingly, drastically, fantastically.

When you fall in love, the world stops and a very fancy old English orchestra plays in the background. Tis him. Tis her. They are here; your soulmates, the ones you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH Hallleeeelujahhh.

Man, there is no talking about your Bae. They are the best behaved, most thoughtful, fantastic lovers on earth. Sometimes I used to fear that he was inhuman because surely how can a person this handsome, brilliant and considerate be single. And why me?? What did I do to deserve this otherworldly creature gracing my life?

Anyway after sometime the endorphins wear off and you start to realize he’s fantastic but very human. The snores start to annoy you and blabla but you still love him. Lol.

The same can be said for a phone, a computer or even a place. You love the place so much that you go there every day then the diminishing returns law kicks in and you still love it but not with the newly discovered ardor.

The sadness though is that these things do not reciprocate your love, to them you’re just another human. A phone will work for you in the same way it does for the rest of the other 6,9,99999999999 people in the world. Your favorite place does not understand exclusivity so it will not close up and vanish until you come back like the room of requirements in Harry Potter.

We don’t own anything really. Not even money. So why do we let these things destroy us? Why do we relate success as the imprisonment of things that are not really ours in the first place?

Why is it that most of the reasons for war in the world make relation to people trying to change the laws of nature?

The Rwandan Genocide is a very sad story of ‘WE WERE HERE FIRST, SO GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM.”

Actually, most of Africa has felt the greed of snatchers, people trying to ruin nature by taking without replacing, without consideration. Sigh.

Anyway, the whole point of this was to say that if you love something, and you think it’s going to destroy you, let it go.

 

If you are reading this it means Grace and I have finally overpowered the procrastination to come through with this blog. Hasn’t been as easy as these words may establish.

Oh she lied… she really did; I actually believe that what you love can destroy you… It really can. But that’s on the face of it and should remain on the face of it. It should never really destroy you. With lessons learned, you should be quick to brush it off and be ready to try again.

How can you let bad experiences and the wrong people bring you unwarranted doubt about the good out there even with so much? There are indeed so many good people out there; they just have this defensive savage shield up to guard themselves against the wrong people.

How we gon’ get married and be happy my nigga, feel normal for once by loving someone and not have to think that there is detriment at the end of it all when it’s not to a point of certainty that it will even be there in the first place? We can’t start our lives on some sort of pessimistic outlook. It all falls back on perspective.

When we gon’ quit the running from what we really feel and the people we start to like? Planes are disappearing out of detectable air space but does that stop us from getting on them? Does that stop us from dreaming that we gon’ travel the life out of the world one day? How we gon’ let that terrible past always win and dictate how you are going to carry on with your life? Well it’s understandable if you got trust issues or those other curtailments if they are not creatures of your past bad experiences. Whatever you do, like I said, you can’t let your past always win tell you what you can and can’t do, make you miss out on the right people when they actually come your way, make you doubt whether it’s real, make you forget the difference between trash and what’s real.

They say your dreams should scare you, and getting back on your feet rubbing it all off and keeping your dreams and expectations for better high enough should do just that but it should also be the order. Yeah who wants to be 60 and alone, with the only thing in their fold is a pile of trust issues, remarkable mileage of running…running away from what they ever felt, a great count of these good people they curved, these feelings they never acknowledged nor embraced because once upon a time they got hurt and from then on the bad experiences dictated how they lived their lives and made it clear to them them they would never be happy, they’d never see anything good come their way.

They say love fades, that’s if it doesn’t die out…there is never a point of certainty. But who is worried about that when you can decide to live each moment as it comes, one day at a time?

I started with the intention of saying that if you love something and it destroys you, lessons should be learned, that’s key. But that shouldn’t define how your life is always going to be, it shouldn’t be okay to be scared about ever trying again. Such snags should never win. Happiness comes from within and there is no greater device than hope.

The Versatile Blogger Award

Thank you Joel and Nick for the Versatile Blogger Award nominations. Also for the people that nominated me and I didn’t notice, thank you. I’m so humbled. I say ‘Challenge Accepted’. I will go ahead and name 15 bloggers (although most of the bloggers that I’d have loved to nominate have probably been nominated) and also go ahead to drop 7 facts about me.

The Rules.

1. Thank the person that nominated you and include a link to their blog.
2. Nominate at least 15 bloggers of your choice. When considering a fellow blogger for the Versatile Blogger Award, keep in mind the quality of their writing, the uniqueness of their subject matter and the level of love displayed on the virtual page.
3. Link your nominees and let them know about their nomination.
4. Share seven facts about yourself.

And the nominees are..

Silver

Patricia

Amanya

Jeff Wakalya (and his friend Kakeeto)

Edna

M.A

Keron

Kirabo (@therisingpage)

7. I like spending a lot of time alone, not to fit the part of being weird or being a loner  but because time is in itself a drug. My thoughts have always given me solutions for problems, issues, questions and what not. So the long walks sometimes are for the cause.

6. I’m May born.

5. I find truth in the saying that goes “Listen more and speak less”, something like that. People seem to have mastered the art of misinterpreting everything that one says and some other times, it becomes a weapon for them to use against you. Opening up is arming the world.

4. I love listening to people, knowing their their troubles and joys, even the simplest of persons. I believe everyone has a story, everyone has a perspective to things or life and everyone has a lesson for you. I guess it is easy for us to get so wrapped up around  ourselves and our own lives that we many a time completely lose the empathy. We never want to get to know other people.

3. I suffer from bad timing. I guess it all comes from being used to “African time”. (If you know warramean).

2. I find the fun in blogging. I unfortunately barely have the time to decode my thoughts into one two a couple of pieces. So I haven’t considered myself to be a blogger….yet.

1. God has been so good to me.

Shukrani.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT; A Gentleman’s Perspective.

In our time where a woman can do what a man can do, it is not without doubt that women can also sexually harass men. A woman can be in every bit as abusive as a man. The position of the law on sexual harassment and the perception of society in the event that a man is sexually harassed express a considerable level of ignorance.

The sexual harassment law is gender biased and exists to protect women. It thrives on the long standing perception that women are of the weaker sex and therefore probably being the only ones prone to sexual harassment. It traces the reason for its existence in history where women were ostracised in many ways, on various platforms as well as receiving unfair treatment as they were seen for quite a long time as mere sexual objects. In common law, women were denied rights to contract saying they lacked the “mental capacity”. With all due respect to women activism groups that have fought hard to eradicate such marginalisation created by history, tradition and custom and in trying to redress the imbalances and mind-set of society, the law is gender biased.

When you examine municipal law of the various countries, it would be quite clear the position that the sexual harassment law takes when it comes to whose personal integrity, dignity and liberty it safeguards and that is the one of the woman. Take for instance the law in Uganda and the United Republic of Tanzania.

Under the laws of Tanzania, upon reading the marginal note to Section 135(1) of the Penal Code, Cap. 16 R.E. 2010 which forms the basis for the sexual harassment law in the country, you would clearly know the side that it takes. It is regarded as a thing for women.

Under the laws of Uganda, the 1995 Constitution of the Republic of Uganda as at 15^th February, 2006 expresses equality and freedom from discrimination under Article 21(1) of all persons in whichever sphere of life as well as in every respect and therefore enjoy equal protection of the law. Articles 32 and 33 of the same Constitution express rights of women and affirmative action for marginalized groups. Of course, there are other provisions under the Penal Code Act, Cap. 120 which relate to the topic of sexual harassment and they all regard it as something which only befalls women. Make reference to Section 128 against insulting the modesty of a woman and indecent assault and focus your observation on the language used.

The question that therefore comes in is where the laws that protect the men against sexual harassment lie. One would answer to that question by saying that well, the laws protect the men by implication. Should the laws only protect the men only by provisional implication and not by express provision just like it is for the women? Therefore, Article 21(3) of the 1995 Constitution of Uganda which explains against discrimination does not stand up to what it renounces. Does this position mean that perhaps because in history men were not relegated or treated the way women were that they maybe had their own share of protection that was expended and today there is only so little protection and legal discourse that the laws can afford them?

It is not without the contention that the law addresses existing societal challenges and is therefore founded and developed on addressing these challenges but should it also go ahead and forget the fundamental principle of equality of all persons regardless of sex or history? Do men deserve less? Are all persons not equal? Should today’s man continue to pay for the decisions that the forefathers made? Or is it because men are such serial sexual beings it is more than improbable if not impossible that they would feel uncomfortable when caught up in situations of unwanted sexual innuendo? Questions like “What are you claiming?”, “Why are you even claiming?” and statements like “I have never heard of such a thing…a woman sexually harassing a man.” These are the statements that would pop up if a man came out and alleged sexual harassment by a woman.

Is it true that when some men receive sexual propositions or solicitations they tend to like it? Yes. But isn’t it also true that when a man is caught up in unwelcome sexual propositions, flirtations or solicitations it is highly improbable that no one would believe it actually happened? Yes.

Sexual harassment is not about sex; it is about power. The laws and society have either knowingly or unknowingly placed the power of control of who can best claim sexual harassment the claim either being legitimate or illegitimate and get away with it all the same and that is in the hands of the woman leaving the man out. With that and in regards to sexual harassment a woman has the power and the man doesn’t. At the end of the day, this is what happens; if he sues, it will be news, if he doesn’t, it will be gossip. If he sues, chances are that nobody will believe him, if he doesn’t and he is married, the wife won’t believe him. Life becomes a living hell. Why?

Because the laws we look up to are selectively silent and the constructs of society are so locked down to only a handful of theories thereby not allowing new facts coming in. These are the same constructs that sometimes make people make the blunders they make in life. From society’s perspective with such an occurrence it would be that the man had an opportunity and he didn’t seize it. This rhymes with the perspective that society has when it seemingly entertains the short and revealing outfits of women terming it as ‘modern’, ‘more appealing’ or that women are now liberated to wear whatever they like and what not and it is the same society which is the first to point fingers placing blame on the same women when they get raped saying that it is their fault either wholly or partly that they got raped because of wearing the same short and revealing outfits that they loved before she got raped.

Should society continue to turn away and be silent where it needs to speak out? Should the laws that we all look up to for reparation be selectively silent about this and only provide by implication for the men? Because from where I stand, the laws only protect men by technicality.

I do not speak from experience but I am rather simply overwhelmed by the loudness of the silence of the law and society’s continued disregard of the fact that men also get sexually harassed.

Sexual harassment undoubtedly occurs from time to time which may cause increased absenteeism from work or creating an atmosphere that leads to a cutback in job efficiency for both males and females. It may also curtail the employee from reaching their full potential.

 

Beauty; a semi-curse.

Social psychology explains that when thoughts and expressions of persons become wide spread and quite notorious as being the logical explanations to certain things, they implant ideologies which are taken as factual. Being that, they become stereotypes portraying unconscious bias and prejudice. One of the stereotypes is that the chances for a beautiful girl or woman achieving success or having much to her name; property, a top job position or something stylish without having used her body to acquire it are very slim. That therefore, her body made it possible for her to find her way around life. Why is this not usually said for a girl who is less beautiful? Because the stereotype towards this has not developed amongst ourselves. We have not yet allowed ourselves as society to build prejudice against this. Do we want to say that beautiful people cannot obtain so much success using only and only fair means and that the less beautiful are the people built for that? Doesn’t make sense to me.

Again, how can we blame and fight against development of such prejudgment when there are circumstances where some beautiful girls use this as a tool of manipulation or to have their way with what they want; lifestyle, school grades, name it! This of course contaminates the pool for other honest ones because their actions found the stereotype.

As society, we remain as the controllers of perception and are therefore authorized to allow and reject each perception. The problem is that once we allow a perception to take root among the people, its retraction thereafter may not be as simple. Prejudice remains inscribed in the minds of people. It is therefore upon us to preclude contribution and development of stereotype.

Contributor: @joabyxnx